Why Do We Torture Ourselves?

Ever since I finished my mega revision last week, I've been TIRED. The day after Christmas tired. The just got home from Disneyland tired. The sleep for twelve hours and still take two naps during the day tired. (Yes, I did that today.)

I've thought a lot about why we writers do this to ourselves. Writing a novel isn't a picnic in the park, a dreamy thing you do while sitting in a flowered meadow while the words come flowing to your brain. Like any form of creation, it is a violent act. Light ripping apart from darkness. Division in the mind, the heart. It makes you question everything you thought you believed in. It exposes all your weaknesses. Sometimes you feel like you are everything. Sometimes, like nothing. These fictional characters have a will as fierce as your own. They demand their stories be told, no matter how busy you are, how sleep deprived.

So why go through with it when writing is, in fact, a very effective form of torture?

I started writing this novel during the busiest, most stressful and inconvenient time of my life. I had just donated a kidney and, though I'd finished recovering physically from the experience, my emotions were still working their way back up. It didn't helped that I'd just moved across the country. Everything was different. My husband was working a job where he was gone night and day. I felt like a single mother raising three young children. Nothing "bad" was happening, but my mind was exhausted to the point where I was crying like a leaky faucet for several hours a day. Not sobbing...not even sad...just overwhelmed. Drip, drip, drip. I couldn't turn it off.

Then I got that crazy idea. The one that said, "Hey, you should write a book." What was I thinking? I have absolutely no idea.

But guess what? In the act of adding something new to my insane life--more importantly, of CREATING something, something I could control (or so I thought until I met my characters)--I began to feel...better. Because I was doing something. Yes, I'd been doing plenty of things, but now I was doing something that spoke to that part deep inside me that seemed to be wondering if I'd forgotten all about her.

So I got to know her more.

She's a bit of a beast, that deep-buried Katie. She's wildly sensitive, quick-tempered, emotional and curious. She frightens me sometimes. But we're becoming better friends. I think I can live with this girl.

She is why I push myself beyond my seemingly impossible limits. Why I crash and burn after imposing crazy deadlines on myself. Why I agonize over perfecting pages, sentences, word counts, verbs.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it...all the torture. I will think I need a long relaxing break. But then after a nap or a bowl of ice cream, that inner Katie pokes her head up and says, "All right, girl. I'm ready for some more. Let's do it." I smile and sigh and say, "Okay."

So, dear writer friends, tell me, why do you write? What drives you to push through the madness?

I Conquered the Beast

(And when I say beast, I mean my wickedly long but beautiful baby--my first novel.)

I've spent the last two-and-a-half month's, several hours each day, cutting and polishing The Rowaness of Shalott.

Have you ever stared at a computer screen for so long that your eyes start crossing? I have and, let me tell you, it's a little bit freaky!

What I learned from this mega revision:

• I may have thought my beginning was brilliant, but I didn't really understand how well it worked (and that it needed lots of fixing) until I wrote the end of my novel.
• I may have thought my ending was brilliant, but I didn't really understand how well it worked (and that it needed lots of fixing) until I finished this long revision.
• The best way I learned what was and wasn't working in my book was to read it. (Duh, I know, but I'm talking about reading--and not editing--it in as little sittings as possible. For me, that was four days.)
• MCs get sassier with more attention. Villains become more sympathetic.
• It is possible to love two fictional men at the same time (okay, I already knew this).
• My characters can still surprise me (yes, Arthur, I'm talking about you).
• I still believe in and love this story--more so than ever!

Some stats about my drafting and revision process so far:

• Started writing the first version (contemporary, two POVs, set in Alaska, no Arthurian stuff) in December of 2009
• Bagged the earlier version and started writing the Arthurian version in the summer of 2010
• Finished my first draft in November of 2011 (two-thirds of it were written in Oct. and Nov.)
• Finished this mega revision YESTERDAY (April 24, 2012)!
• Original word count: 141,320 (not to mention 4,000 words I cut before drafting the last two-thirds)
• Revised word count: 98,972
• I cut 42,348 words! (almost as long as a NaNo novel)
• Original page count: 490
• Revised page count: 362
• I cut 128 pages! (That might not seem like a lot, but it SO is.)

Anyway you do the math, I feel awesome! And I've totally owned my writing process, which is overwriting to draft, and then cutting to revise (though, I did have to rewrite sections of the beginning and end).

I know there will still be revisions to come with new beta readers, and hopefully one day an agent and editor, but for now I will breathe a big fat sigh of relief because I did one of the hardest things by hacking this book to below 100k.

Fourteen Years and Still Going Strong

I spent half of the last week on an anniversary trip with my husband to southern Utah. We've been married fourteen years now, people! One thing I found so refreshing about Jason when I first met him was how he appreciated and totally got my goofy sense of humor. So he surprised me on our trip with some things he'd prepared to make me laugh. First of all, he had me listen to four songs he'd recorded for me. Most were super silly, like an overtly cheesy rendition of "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'" from Oklahoma, and a crazy take on Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson's "Relator." He even did an 80's remix of a song I wrote in elementary school. I cried through my laughter when I listened to it because it was so embarrassing (for me) and so funny! Later, Jason showed me some pictures he Photoshopped of us. On the back he wrote why we are JUST like these couples. (His reasons were pretty hilarious.) I had to share some of the pics...

Peeta & Katniss (This is from a pic of me blowing out birthday candles. I look cross-eyed!)

Ron & Hermione

Aragorn & Arwen (This one's my favorite. Look how smug Jason is.)

 

 

 

Elizabeth & Darcy (This one frightens me!)

Edward & Bella & Jacob (Did you notice Jason used the same pic of himself four times?)

Falling

Yesterday I watched/listened to a song about Guinevere on YouTube. It was awesome, but that Guinevere wasn't my Guinevere, you know? And I got it into my head that I could write my own song about her. I love to sing and play guitar, but I've only written one song...and that was back in my high school days. So I started messing around and came up with a melody that I liked, but no words. Then in the middle of the night I woke up and the first line popped into my head, and then the next line. I thought, I'm just going to write these down so I don't forget, and then I'll go back to sleep. But the words kept coming. I finally gave into the muse and finished the song. Here it is! Please forgive the buzzing strings and the occasional off-chord. I haven't played guitar in a while. :-) The lyrics are below the video.

Take my hand
Take me for what I am
Knowing what I've done
Knowing the road I've walked on

Starlit leaves
Rowans and willow trees
Pain that can cut so deep
Love that can fill me, haunt me

I'm waking, I'm shaking
I'm bleeding, I'm breathing
I'm falling

Come kneel down
Take off your golden crown
Weave yourself into me
Before I fade

I'm moonstruck, I'm flying
I'm unveiled, I'm dying
I'm wide-eyed, I'm yearning
I'm spinning, I'm burning
I'm falling

Turning and turning and turning around
Head underwater but feet on the ground
Tethering, surfacing, lost but I'm found with you
Never believing that I could be free
Hoping for someone who'd understand me
Waiting to sail on an uncharted sea, alone if must be

And I know, and I see
Your weakness beside me
But I feel who you are
Your stronger than your scars

Uncloak me, eclipse me
And hold me, forgive me
And we'll cross a new sea
And we'll last and we'll dream
We're falling

Take my hand
Take me for what I am
Knowing what I've done
Knowing the road I've walked on

Variety & Sound in Writing

When my writer dad read the first draft of my first chapter over two years ago, he was quick to point out many flaws that largely boiled down to two things: variety and sound. I've never forgotten his advice. Since then, the first thing I do, after writing a new chapter, is read it back for these two important elements. And when I revise, I check my words again and again and again. I'm never satisfied, but the combing through really helps to strengthen my story.

So let's talk about variety and sound.

Variety is our friend! If sentences are all constructed the same way, our reader brains start to feel like they're stuck on repeat. The regular rhythms disengage us, or worse, put us to sleep.

Here are some tips for adding variety to your writing. (Disclaimer: It's okay to break any of these rules if you're waxing poetic, but do so sparingly.)

• Start sentences with different words. Make sure they don't all begin with the same pronoun (I, he, she) or word (the, someone's name, etc.). I occasionally let two same starting words in a row slip. But three in a row is a definite no-no.
• Mix up your sentence structures. Don't write all of them in noun-verb order. Try starting with a verb, a prepositional phrase, or some other kind of dependent clause. Use fragmented sentences where appropriate and not confusing. Sometimes use a question, rather than a statement. (A word of caution: Don't go too crazy. About two-thirds of the time, you'll want to stick with noun-verb structure and not beginning your sentences with a dependent clause. But often, perhaps every three to four sentences, you can mix things up. It depends on the intensity and context of the scene you're writing. Try to feel out what's right.)
• Vary your sentence lengths. If all your sentences are long and comma-ridden, your pacing will suffer. In contrast, if they're all short and basic in structure, your prose will be simplistic and lacking in feeling. Sentence lengths should reflect the rhythm and emotion of your scene. Fast-paced action scenes generally need shorter sentences. Your character is moving quickly, whether physically or emotionally, and they don't have time or capacity to think about things in detail. Likewise, scenes with drawn-out tension or reflection justify longer sentences. Your character is probably over-analyzing and absorbing everything. In both instances, however, you'll want to break up the cadence and add an occasional sentence of different length to add variety.
• Don't get stuck on the same word. Every writer is guilty of this, especially in first drafts, but I often see published books where a noticeable word is used more than once, and too close in succession. For very unique words or phrases, once in a book is enough. But anything beyond a basic word (the, in, to, was, etc.) shouldn't be used twice on a page, or sometimes the same chapter. Read your work aloud, just looking for overused words. Your beta readers are also good at catching these for you. If replacing a word becomes too long-winded or unclear, don't fret, just repeat the word.
• Vary your dialogue tagging techniques. "Said" is not invisible. Don't overuse it. Try replacing dialogue tags at least half the time with beats. (Ex: Mary twirled her hair around her finger. "I would love to." We know Mary is talking.) If two characters are talking back and forth, dialogue tags or beats are unnecessary after the initial setup. But don't exhaust your reader by omitting dialogue tags altogether. Just use them with care.
• Vary your emotional intensity. Make sure all your chapters aren't at the same emotional pitch. It's overbearing if your character is always crying (or laughing or whatever). Even when your character is in anguish, a moment of wry lightheartedness is appreciated, and vice verse. Create an emotional arc over your whole book, then do so for each character, scene, chapter--and even within the chapter, down to the paragraph and sentence level.

Sound goes hand-in-hand with variety and has to do with the feel and flow of a scene. I believe if you follow the suggestions above, then read your chapter again and lose yourself to its emotion, you'll be able to detect if the sound of your writing rings true to your character's experience. This is my ultimate test when polishing a chapter. Does it fall right on my ears? You can also read your chapter aloud or have a friend read it to you. Do whatever it takes.

A caution about sound: Be careful not to lose yourself completely to the beauty of your words. My first drafts are always guilty of this. I go back and cut out at least a fourth of what I've written. It may be pretty or poetic, but it often doesn't serve the overall story and makes the pacing drag.

So these are my tips for variety and sound. How do you handle these elements in your own writing? I'd love to add your suggestions to my bag of tricks!

My First Critique Partner Retreat

Robin, Ilima, Emily, Taryn and me at a restaurant in Emily's YA novel.

All the other lovely ladies in my critique group have posted about our retreat last Thursday-Sunday, so I thought I'd finally jump on the bandwagon.

It's funny...before the retreat we made a giant list of things we hoped to do together. These things included pedicures, a night out at the movies, yoga (by certified Robin), guitar singing 'n' playing by yours truly, hot tubbing, and a hike in the mountains. I think we were all a bit worried that maybe the friends we briefly met one year ago, and have since stayed in constant online contact with, weren't really like us. No one in their right mind would want to write most of the time, after all.

So, although we didn't get to cross off so many items on our giant to-do list, it was so refreshing to see that we are all bona fide writer geeks. We did, for good measure, watch one movie (Like Crazy) at Emily's house in not-so-sunny California, and I managed to pluck everyone's eyebrows, but other than that we wrote, wrote, wrote, all sitting in Emily's cozy family room. We did pause and chat from time to time (we are human!), and we shared excerpts from what we were working on.

Writing 'n' waiting for cinnamon rolls

The second night, Emily asked us if we wanted to watch another movie. We all looked up from our laptops and notebooks and shrugged, as if to say, "Movies? Who needs movies when the story I'm writing is so much cooler!" The next morning we woke up, staked out places at the kitchen table (as we waited for Emily's cinnamon rolls to finish baking), and again, delved deep into our story worlds.

It was AWESOME being with people who totally get this madness that is writing. As James Owen so perfectly put it at LTUE, "I had found my tribe."

Let me tell you some things about my awesome crit partners...

Taryn & Emily

EMILY, our lovely hostess, is Martha Stewart's doubleganger. She does everything crafty and homemaking. Her home is picture-worthy from every angle, and is stuffed with quaint hand soaps, handmade quilts, and fresh eggs from her own chickens (okay, her house isn't stuffed with eggs, but you get the point). Emily also bakes delicious food from scratch, and when she asked what I'd like for lunch, and I said peanut butter and jelly, a sad look crossed her face. Emily has a master's degree in literature, and she loves to dig up the themes and deeper meanings in our stories (and as you can imagine, her stories revel in them). AND Emily is super hilarious...in a dry way. I'm infamously gullible, and I often can't tell when Emily is pulling my leg. She said she'd have to make a sarcastic-face emoticon to help me with our future email correspondence.

Baby Joseph & Robin

ROBIN has been my friend for forever. We started our writing journey together over two years ago. Robin is  very smart and, like Emily, is talented in a bazillion areas. She's a rock climber, yoga instructor, piano teacher, mother of four, and a speed-reader (at least, according to my standards). She usually reads two to three books a week. Robin brought her sweet four-month-old baby, Joseph, to the retreat. He is super cute and LOVES to talk. (I'm sure his gooing and gaaing definitely mean something to him.) Robin has started writing her third book, which is amazing to me, considering I'm still polishing up my first. Robin, you are my hero! Can you move back to Utah and be my neighbor again. Pleeeeease?!!

Ilima

ILIMA is my Utah CP buddy. She is yet another multi-talented wonder in our group (hmm...I'm starting to realize how uncool I am). Ilima homeschools her children, volunteers a ton of time to her church, sews, hosts a monthly book club, and is currently writing her fourth book (a dystopian we're all freaking out about because it ROCKS). Ilima is from Hawaii, and that place and culture are a strong influence in all her stories. I always appreciate Ilima's honesty...she has a special way of giving helpful criticism without the sting. My favorite Ilima moment of the retreat: when I was plucking her eyebrows, I said, "Wow, you're not even crying." She replied, "I'm crying on the inside. I feel like Bella when she is turning into a vampire."

Taryn

TARYN is the youngest, but most brilliant and experienced writer in our group. At nineteen, she already has an agent and several finished books under her belt. It's no secret that we all live vicariously through her, and I'm not just talking about all-things-writing. Whenever Taryn is going through boy drama (good or bad), we want the nitty gritty. She's learning to wrap us around her finger and divulge the details SLOOOOWLY through several coy emails. It's torture! I didn't realize how laid back Taryn was until this retreat. But she's so speedy with writing! She drafted her agented novel in two weeks and finished revisions in three days. Insane. Taryn is also a competitive swimmer and has placed in nationals. When she wants something, she goes for it and gets it.

I miss you already, ladies, but am looking forward to seeing you again at WIFYR this year! XOXOXO

Casting My Characters

What writer doesn't dream of seeing her book turned into a movie? As an actress, I have an even greater tendency to get lost in these imaginings. My crit group and I also have fun emailing each other with our future movie casts. I've even gotten to the point that when I watch TV or movies anymore, my mind drifts and I wonder if that actor or actress would fit in my film (like even when I'm watching American Idol...see below). I think about directors too. My current favorite pick: Terrence Malick (Tree of Life, New World). I love him!

Here's my dream cast:

Guinevere

I've thought about Lily Collins, but my new favorite choice is Alexis Raich. I saw her on an episode of Fringe. She's a great actress and has that otherworldy beauty that fits the part.

Lancelot

Alex Pettyfer fits the bill. He's also got the same fabulous deep voice that my Lancelot has.

Arthur

Anton Yelchin is an amazing actor and has a great look for the part, though he'd have to go blond. But then I saw Phillip Phillips from American Idol. He looks perfect! C'mon, Phillip, can you learn how to act and drop your southern accent? Pleeeeeease?

Nimue

The coveted role of Queen of the Rowaness goes to Michelle Dockery from Downton Abbey. Congratulations, Michelle! Future Academy Award coming your way.

Constantine

Jim Caviezel would be fabulous in this role, but I must give it to Rufus Sewell, one of the best actors and one of the most underrated. (Did you see him in Zen? Reserve it on your Netflix now!) Rufus, I have complete faith you can pull off the part! This is also the role my husband (a brilliant actor) wants to play. Honey, I'll be sure to put in a good word for you. :-)

The Watcher

This tricky and subtle role goes to one of the most brilliant actresses, Abbie Cornish. She is in my FAVORITE movie, Bright Star.

Galahad and Gawain, I haven't forgotten about you...I just haven't figured you out yet. I can't just offer your roles to anybody! Everyone else in my cast, be prepared to wear colored contacts or dye your hair. Such is the actor's life. Oh, and Rachel Portman, heads up, you'll be composing the score. After the soundtracks for Emma, The Cider House Rules, and The Duchess, you can do no wrong in my book.

All right! Now I've just got to line up a producer, book the Isle of Wight for location filming, and write the screenplay. What was that? Get an agent? Publish my book first? *sighs* Way to shoot down my fantasy.