Acting, Writing, Creating Something

College:  Rosalind in As You Like It, my favorite role ever!

Okay, heads up. I'm going to go off about old times and acting for a bit here, but it's all going to come back to writing. I promise. Stick with me.

I was a fairly confident kid in elementary school. Never struggled to make friends. Always felt like I had a "place." Then junior high came. None of my friends were in my classes. They were also gymnasts and became cheerleaders. They didn't ignore me or anything, but it wasn't the same anymore. We weren't moving in similar circles. Suddenly I didn't know where I fit. I didn't know whom I could sit with for lunch, so I'd go eat alone in the library. I started cutting class. A lot.

College:  Katarina Cavalieri in Amadeus

I was enrolled (against my will) in both a speech class and a communications class (the latter was like this conglomeration of acting and social skills). My first assignment was to answer twenty questions I'd written for myself. I had to stand up in front of the class and give all my questions and answers aloud. I was shaking so badly, I couldn't even read my paper! I cried several times after leaving those classes. And it never got easier. To say I had stage fright is an understatement. I'd never made any friends in junior high school. Not. A. Single. One. I was pretty miserable.

In ninth grade, I eventually resorted to hanging out with my neighbor and a group of her friends, who were all a year younger than me. It felt like a desperate attempt to fit in. It was. I won't go into details, but one day they ganged up and did something to me that was incredibly rude and embarrassing. I went home absolutely furious and hurt. And I realized just how stupid I'd been for the past three years. How I'd let my fears eat away at me and make me so worried about what people thought. I'd had enough. Everything clicked together, and I suddenly stopped caring about what people thought. It's not that I became inconsiderate or rebellious, but I just wasn't afraid to be myself, and I didn't become anxious over being accepted anymore. The next day I randomly walked up to a girl in the lunch room and asked if I could eat with her. This was a very brave move for me! In my school, you didn't just casually pop in at someone's table. I didn't know this girl well, but she always seemed nice. She acted pretty shocked when I sat down beside her, but in a minute none of that mattered. We had so much in common! She became my best friend throughout high school. We still keep in touch. I'll always consider her a best friend of mine.

Maggie in The Man Who Came to Dinner

Later, in high school, I purposely signed up for an acting classes. And my stage fright was gone. I could get up in front of people, make myself vulnerable to the emotions my character was feeling, and express myself like I couldn't before. I auditioned for plays and worked up from being in the ensemble to getting lead roles. Even in performing for large audiences, I felt comfortable. I would never want to relive those depressing junior high days, but the lesson I learned from them has been invaluable.

Fast forward several years. I'd acted in college, England, and had many wonderful roles. Then I got married, had a child, and still found time to act now and then. Then I had another child, and another. I couldn't justify acting anymore, not with three young children. Being in a play requires about two-to-three months of rehearsals, six days a week, three hours every night. I didn't feel right about leaving my kids for that long. So about two years went by with no plays, no acting, and I started to feel this emptiness. It ate away at me for a long time. I became depressed again. And then I got the idea to write a novel. I never thought I'd love something as much as acting, but I do. I love writing even more. My favorite part of acting is the rehearsals, the digging into character and "creating." Writing a book is like a super long rehearsal and "discovery" of character. It can be frustrating and is long work, but then, like an acting rehearsal, you suddenly peak and all that struggle weaves together into something wonderful--what you were striving to achieve all along.

Kate in The Taming of the Shrew, first lead in high school!

It's interesting that to rise above any kind of darkness, you have to do something about it. You have to "act." You have to use your mind and heart and body to create something. Although I love my children and love being a mother, I have so much within me that I want to explore. I think everyone does. I've noticed people who are truly happy create. There are thousand different ways to do so. Anything can become "art" to someone. My story, The Rowaness of Shalott, is about this in many ways. That mortality is a means for us to do something and act in a way we couldn't without a body.

I'm grateful for the creative paths I've taken in my life and for what they've given me. I'd love to hear about yours!