Sunday, June 3, 2012

Acting, Writing, Creating Something

College:  Rosalind in As You Like It, my favorite role ever!
Okay, heads up. I'm going to go off about old times and acting for a bit here, but it's all going to come back to writing. I promise. Stick with me.

I was a fairly confident kid in elementary school. Never struggled to make friends. Always felt like I had a "place." Then junior high came. None of my friends were in my classes. They were also gymnasts and became cheerleaders. They didn't ignore me or anything, but it wasn't the same anymore. We weren't moving in similar circles. Suddenly I didn't know where I fit. I didn't know whom I could sit with for lunch, so I'd go eat alone in the library. I started cutting class. A lot.

College:  Katarina Cavalieri in Amadeus
I was enrolled (against my will) in both a speech class and a communications class (the latter was like this conglomeration of acting and social skills). My first assignment was to answer twenty questions I'd written for myself. I had to stand up in front of the class and give all my questions and answers aloud. I was shaking so badly, I couldn't even read my paper! I cried several times after leaving those classes. And it never got easier. To say I had stage fright is an understatement. I'd never made any friends in junior high school. Not. A. Single. One. I was pretty miserable.

In ninth grade, I eventually resorted to hanging out with my neighbor and a group of her friends, who were all a year younger than me. It felt like a desperate attempt to fit in. It was. I won't go into details, but one day they ganged up and did something to me that was incredibly rude and embarrassing. I went home absolutely furious and hurt. And I realized just how stupid I'd been for the past three years. How I'd let my fears eat away at me and make me so worried about what people thought. I'd had enough. Everything clicked together, and I suddenly stopped caring about what people thought. It's not that I became inconsiderate or rebellious, but I just wasn't afraid to be myself, and I didn't become anxious over being accepted anymore. The next day I randomly walked up to a girl in the lunch room and asked if I could eat with her. This was a very brave move for me! In my school, you didn't just casually pop in at someone's table. I didn't know this girl well, but she always seemed nice. She acted pretty shocked when I sat down beside her, but in a minute none of that mattered. We had so much in common! She became my best friend throughout high school. We still keep in touch. I'll always consider her a best friend of mine.

Maggie in The Man Who Came to Dinner
Later, in high school, I purposely signed up for an acting classes. And my stage fright was gone. I could get up in front of people, make myself vulnerable to the emotions my character was feeling, and express myself like I couldn't before. I auditioned for plays and worked up from being in the ensemble to getting lead roles. Even in performing for large audiences, I felt comfortable. I would never want to relive those depressing junior high days, but the lesson I learned from them has been invaluable.

Fast forward several years. I'd acted in college, England, and had many wonderful roles. Then I got married, had a child, and still found time to act now and then. Then I had another child, and another. I couldn't justify acting anymore, not with three young children. Being in a play requires about two-to-three months of rehearsals, six days a week, three hours every night. I didn't feel right about leaving my kids for that long. So about two years went by with no plays, no acting, and I started to feel this emptiness. It ate away at me for a long time. I became depressed again. And then I got the idea to write a novel. I never thought I'd love something as much as acting, but I do. I love writing even more. My favorite part of acting is the rehearsals, the digging into character and "creating." Writing a book is like a super long rehearsal and "discovery" of character. It can be frustrating and is long work, but then, like an acting rehearsal, you suddenly peak and all that struggle weaves together into something wonderful--what you were striving to achieve all along.


Kate in The Taming of the Shrew, first lead in high school!
It's interesting that to rise above any kind of darkness, you have to do something about it. You have to "act." You have to use your mind and heart and body to create something. Although I love my children and love being a mother, I have so much within me that I want to explore. I think everyone does. I've noticed people who are truly happy create. There are thousand different ways to do so. Anything can become "art" to someone. My story, The Rowaness of Shalott, is about this in many ways. That mortality is a means for us to do something and act in a way we couldn't without a body.

I'm grateful for the creative paths I've taken in my life and for what they've given me. I'd love to hear about yours!

14 comments:

  1. You amaze me so much, and I think you would make a gorgeous Guinevere. Ever act in an Arthurian tale? "Mortality is a means for us to do something and act in a way we couldn't without a body." Beautiful.

    I agree with the create thing. I like to sew and spent many years making clothes for my kids and decorating my home. Alas, since I've discovered writing, the kids are lucky if there's anything clean for them to wear and my home decor?...well you know what that's like right now. :) Reasonably clean is the goal, forget looking nice.

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    1. Thanks, Ilima. Too bad I'm more than twice Guinevere's age, right? Plus I'm covered in freckles. Hey, maybe I can play Eri in your novel! *shudders*

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  2. I keep having to look at those pictures- beautiful!

    I'll dito the creative part. I love to sew and stich and paint. I've even directed choirs and written the songs. But since I've started writing seriously, just like Ilima, everything else has stepped back. Yep, my kids are sometimes out of socks,and I have to force myself to remember to clean the house. (kind of scary, really.)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! Yes, I used to be artsy in many more ways, even beyond acting. But writing is a VERY time-consuming art! I totally know what you mean.

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  3. Remember what Kathleen Duey said last year, that your writing, it was a great outlet for your creativity, but to keep acting too? I hope you do and that one day I see you on stage.

    And yes, for me, I need to create. And like Ilima and T. Drecker, now that I'm writing, many of my other outlets have disappeared. And a clean house, my standards have dropped;)

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    1. Oh, I forgot Kathleen told me that! Yes, I tend to be an all-or-nothing-type person, but I keep reminding myself, I don't have to give acting up; I can still one day act in a play again. It's hard to even imagine because I'm so obsessed with writing now. :-)

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  4. Aww, tribute to acting! I went through a period where I felt that emptiness. I was doing photography, but after I had Darcy, it got harder and harder to leave and do huge, long shoots. So I stopped, for the most part, and started writing again. I still do photography sometimes. AND you sing! I hope I get to see you on a stage someday, too, like Robin says. :)

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    1. You DID see me--as the soothsayer and Caesar's wife! Didn't I make a life-long impression on you?!!! Okay, so you didn't know me then. But still! ;-) I know you can totally relate about the absence of writing/creating, and then finding it again and getting absorbed in the crazy passion of it all. We have a similar journey that way.

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    2. Oh, yeah! But that doesn't count because I can hardly remember it. I have the worst memory ever. I can hardly remember Adam's performance. I remember his dying scene and that's about it. :)

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  5. Oh Katie, I love those pictures. Wow, junior high just sucks all the way around, doesn't it? I'm not an actor at all, but I do understand about the need for a creative outlet. After I had my babies I quilted, which is wonderful and I still do it, but writing has been more emotionally fulfilling.

    It never ceases to amaze me how many talents you have though. Go Katie!

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    1. Yes, junior high DOES suck. I'm happy to report my thirteen-year-old is enjoying it just fine. Phew. It gave me nightmares sending her there. And, yes, you are quite the crafty lady! I'm impressed you've been able to keep up with some artsy things with writing in the mix. I'm too OCD/one-track-minded for that, I guess. You inspire me!

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  6. Oh, you and I are such kindred spirits! I acted my whole life and majored in Theatre Arts (though I wasn't so good at acting) and now have three sons and write to fill the void. :)

    How I'd love to be in a play again!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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    1. Wow, Robin, we ARE similar. Three kids and writers and were actresses and all that. (And we still are actresses, right?) I'm so happy to get to know you more. :-)

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    2. So true. Though nowadays I do my acting in court. ;)

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